Tuesday, 10 February 2015

10 Things I Should Of Learnt By Now

There are times when I say "IS IT ME?"....................There are times when I might even say "WTF"......But more often than not you will regularly find me saying "WHEN WILL I EVER LEARN". Here are my Top 10 Do's and Don'ts of everyday life.

1. DO NOT expect to much from people: Just because you might go the extra mile does not mean that they will too. Some people are just not built like that, if you don't expect you won't be disappointed.

2.  DO NOT prepare a slow cooked stew in the morning: Chopping onions after putting Mascara on only ends in disaster.

3. DO NOT take criticism personally: This is something I am fabulous at. I tell myself that the other person is not attacking me, but it's an easy trap to fall into, and I am happy to oblige.

4. DO NOT worry about things that are out of your control: I am the worlds biggest worrier, in fact if I haven't got anything to worry about then I will actually worry about that. I am learning slowly that it is a big huge waste of energy and time.

5. DO think before you respond to "stupid": I am teaching myself to think what will happen and how will I feel in 3 hours if I respond to someone stupid. More often than not it stops me from making a situation worse. I recently had to deal with a nasty problem and with the help of a good blogging friend (thank you Suzanne Whitton) took some time out before acting in haste and possibly making the situation worse.

6. DO except compliments : I am great at giving them but rotten at accepting them and will always come back with a comment like "Oh, its good lighting" or "Its all done with mirrors". If someone wants to tell you that you look nice then just a simple "thank you" will do. 

7. DO except that none of us really know what we are doing as a parent : We are all just muddling along in the hope of getting it right, just try not to mess them up too much and remember to show them how to be a decent human being. Above all, tell them you love them every day and how proud you are of them.

8. DO trust your gut instinct : Mine has yet to steer me wrong but I have unfortunately chosen to ignore in the past. Remember, if it feels even slightly wrong then it probably is.

9. DO NOT buy a piece of clothing to "slim" into : You will never end up wearing it and it will just frustrate you every time you look at it. 

10. DO NOT drink alcohol when you haven't eaten.......Enough said.

There are many more and I could go on and on......................But I won't. I would love to hear your Do's and Don'ts  in the comments.

Lots of Love

Me 
xxxxx



Thursday, 5 February 2015

Parents Evening Olympics

Good morning sports fans and its a lovely day in leafy Sussex, the days events are just about to get underway and we are kicking off with the 100m Steeple Chase...........................................

In lane one we have Pushy Mum who will stop at nothing to get her child in that spotlight.

In lane two its Mrs Look At Your Shoes, this poor soul is clearly scarred from her own haunting memories of childhood parents evenings. This is going to be tough race for her so plenty of encouragement please folks.

In lane three we have the hugely popular I Know The Teachers By Their First Names and there is no stopping her as she limbers up ready to pounce.

In lane four the crowds favourite Mr Memory Lane who proceeds to tell anyone that will listen what a complete wag he was at school much to his child's embarrassment.

And finally in Lane five the undisputed Mrs Raised Brows who has spent much of the warm up session telling everyone how perfect little Johnny is.

The scene is set and the runners are on their starting blocks the atmosphere is electric as a hush falls over the crowds. Its so tense you could cut the air with a knife........................A slight move from one of the runners and someone screams from the crowd "FALSE START.....FALSE START"................

AND THEIR OFF...............................................................................................................................

Its Mrs I Know All The Teachers whose out of the blocks first ,she narrowly avoids knocking Pushy Mum straight over a row of chairs and causing chaos. Pushy Mum holds her ground and elbows her back into her lane............................HOLD ON WHATS THIS.................Mr Memory Lane has just hurdled the Headteacher whose crouched down to do his shoe lace up, he's determined to get to that Science appointment first and makes no apology as he clips the poor man in the head with his foot.

Looking back down the classroom Mrs Raised Eye Brows hasn't even left the blocks due to Little Johnny deciding that now might be a good time to tell her that he got an internal exclusion last week for calling one of his teachers a "Twat" She's livid and has a startled expression on her once smug face.......Poor Little Johnny is getting a right telling off as mum decides to walk the rest of the track with her head hung.

So ladies and gentlemen we are down to just 4 runners and the race is really hotting up..................There are scuffles and shouts as Pushy Mum really lives up to her name and literally does push random parents out of the way to get to that table. The teachers have a stunned expression on their faces as the runners approach, one even covers her head in fear of being trampled.

The finish line is in sight and the competition couldn't be any closer, Mr Memory Lane and Pushy Mum are neck and neck with Mrs I Know All The Teachers trailing behind mainly because she has seen someone she knows and has decided to stop for a chat............................BUT WAIT A MINUTE......................WHATS THIS.......................We had almost written off Mrs Look At Your Shoes who didn't seem to be doing anything but staring at the floor, she is powering through with grace and speed....................................She hurdles the water jump with ease swerving round the other runners without them even noticing...........Mr Memory Lane catches a glimpse of her Ballerina Pumps as she passes him like a rocket.................................The desk is clear, the teacher is ready and ..................And.......................SHES DONE IT........................Mrs Look At Your Shoes is in the chair and already shaking hands with Mr Smith the Science teacher.

What a race we have had here today at the Parents Evening Olympics, the other runners look crushed as Mrs Look At Your Shoes not only wins but gets a glowing report for little Billy as well as a handshake from The Head Teacher who is unfortunately nursing a bruised head due to Mr Memory Lane.

And just when we think its all over the race seems to be off again as Mrs Look At Your Shoes begins to push her chair back ready to move on.....................Mr Memory Lane and Pushy Mum are poised once again......................................AND THEIR OFF.



I am linking up with fabulous new Big Fat Linky by The Dad Network.

Tuesday, 3 February 2015

The 6 Stages Of PMS.

What does PMS mean to you ? To me it means a few things................................................................

1. Puffy Mid Section
2. Provide Me with Sweets
3. Psychotic Mood Swings
4. Pardon My Swearing
5. Pass My Sweatpants
6. Pleasant Member of Society


Every month I lurch between a range of moods, looks and emotions and in its path I leave a trail of devastation and destruction. Once out the other end I then encounter that good old favourite "Guilt".

I start off quite normal (whatever that is) I look alright, my hair looks clean and my make up stays in place all day. I become my normal weight and I am happy, energetic and healthy.

Then.......Just as I am enjoying life it begins.

I suddenly notice a need for more coffee, which is not usual for me but when I realise that I have run out in one day this alerts me to the fact there is something brewing. My jeans feel a little tighter, my ankles look attractively swollen and I am experiencing hot flushes. This is called the "Puffy Mid Section" phase and its a total bloody joy.....

Next is the delightful "Provide Me with Sweets" phase, I eat them then feel guilty then eat some more. I can't just have one bar or even two its like someone has told me that the world is running out of Chocolate that day and I must inhale every last bit. I can cry at the drop of a hat and don't even get me started on those adverts with Mums and Daughters.......Sob sob sob..........Wa Wa Wa......Someone call me a WAmbulance.

Stage 3 and 4 are my personal favourites NOT! Its the "Psychotic Mood Swing" phase and I am a particular expert at this one. I can make a mountain out of a molehill, become paranoid that everyone hates me and then feel the need to possibly smash something. On top of all that I spend the whole time saying "Pardon My Swearing".........Classy.

Stage 5 is the big event and the "Pass My Sweatpants" time. I am swollen, in pain, fed up and in need of my bed. Its at this time that I start thinking how easy men have it..........Come to think of it have you noticed how the bloke word comes into everything we have to go through......MENstrual Cycle............MENopause..........GYnaecology................You get the drift.

The final stage is upon me and quite frankly I am totally exhausted, this is called the becoming a "Pleasant Member of Society" time and the only thing that will do is a face pack, my dressing gown and a big bowl of Pop corn followed by a good film and a lot of apologies.  The relief is apparent and I can see a light at the end of the tunnel...................Then it hits me...........................14 days until I start all over......................Nooooooooooooooooooooo !!!!!!

What are you top tips to getting through this wonderful part of being a woman ???

Lots of Love
Me
xxxxxxx

Thursday, 22 January 2015

10 Things You Never Say To A Teenager

"Aren't you going to put a coat on ?" I asked on a particularly freezing -2ยบ kind of morning. This question was answered with a grunt and then a huff as if to say"Yeah right, I have a jumper and blazer on. Why the hell do I need a coat...........I am a Teenage Boy and I DO NOT do coats".


What is it with them ?..................I often find myself asking this question. What happens between the age of 11 and 16 is something that will forever baffle me.......I know I know its hormones blah blah blah. But what about what really happens......................Like what really goes in their minds. I walk around on egg shells some days not wanting to say the wrong thing or fuel a massive strop, I don't remember being like this (or though my Mother will probably say different). With this in mind I have learnt the careful art (and it is an art) of not what to say and when not to say it.


1. Hurry Up - This will be met with rather interesting response that may involve a swear word or two, you cannot I repeat cannot hurry a Teenager up. They are on their own schedule and will not change it for anyone............Especially you!

2. Why don't you do that extra piece of homework if your bored ? - Expect school books to be shoved back in bag and a rant of "I'm so tired.......I'm not doing anymore than is necessary. If they wanted me to do it they shouldn't of said OPTIONAL" This may be followed by a sudden urge to disappear upstairs and pretend they have "other" stuff that is far more important.

3. So, what do you want to be when you finish school - This question is usually asked by older relatives that haven't seen them morph into a Teenager and is answered with a shrug or a simple "Dunno". To be honest at 13 I don't think I knew what I wanted to be,  I vaguely remember wanting to be a Dolphin Trainer or a Nun at some stage.

4. I absolutely forbid you to do that - This will be met with the most hysterical laughter and rolling around on the floor by The Teenager. Saying that I did use the sentence "You will not find anyone higher than me at this moment, not even GOD" which did seem to evoke a stunned reaction before the laughter began.

5. Whats wrong - The most pointless question ever if asked to a Teenager, they have no clue whats wrong so why the heck should they be able to tell you the answer. I find a more subtle approach is needed like "I'm downstairs if you need a hug" I would imagine from the boys point of view this is their worst nightmare but on the rare occasion it has worked.

6. Can you tidy your room please - Again, pointless.

7. Is that what you're wearing ? - The minute this comes out of my mouth I instantly regret it, why oh why did I say it. Not many words are exchanged but its the look that is shot at you from a 17 year old female of the species. If looks could kill.........I wouldn't be typing this.

8. Shall we do a selfie together - Good luck with this one.......

9. When I was your age - They don't care about when you were young, in fact I don't even think they recognise you were young once. To them you were born into an era of no social networking, no phones and Crackerjack..................Actually I can see their point.

10. We'll See - Teenagers are much like toddlers and cannot deal with the uncertainty of an unanswered question. A full description is needed along with photographic and legal evidence to back up any plans that they need confirming.

They are just a few questions that I try not to ask but I could go on and on and on.......................To be honest both of mine aren't really that bad and I love them to death even with all the strops and mood swings. I guess one day they will have kids of their own and will be happy to accept any advice I might have............................................Although, I might reply with one
word............................."DUNNO".

Lots of Love
Me
xxxxxxxx

Wednesday, 21 January 2015

Puzzled......

I am officially a Puzzler...............Not in a "wondering what the hell is going on" kind of way but a master of placing little cardboard pieces in amongst a jumble of colours and sizes kind of way.

Confused ?????? ...................................Let me explain.

We received a jigsaw over the Xmas period to which I am ashamed to say I laughed at and thought "how old do you think I am?" and "You obviously think I have too much time on my hands". It was only when I was incredibly bored one afternoon that I thought I might give it a go......................How hard can it be for Gods sake....................................I'll have it done in an hour..............................Whilst doing the housework..............WRONG WRONG and WRONG again.

I remember watching my Nan separate the little pieces out into different boxes so that she had all the bits with white on in one and red pieces in another. The jigsaw would sit there unfinished for days and I was always allowed to put the last piece in which resulted in a huge cheer from my Grandparents as if I had done the whole thing myself.

Anyway, there I am with 1000 pieces of little bits of cardboard laid out in front of me..........DO THE EDGES FIRST I hear my Nans voice in my head....................................So, I did. I must just point out that it was at this point I realised I needed glasses.

After an hour I was ready to chuck it through the patio doors and forget I ever had it but then something happened...............Something I didn't expect............................The Teenagers appeared and did something very strange, something quite out of the ordinary for two humans that usually come in and launch their bags anywhere they see a space on the floor then disappear upstairs grunting about their "RUBBISH" day. 

They stopped, stared at the puzzle and began to pick pieces up looking for a home for them. I in turn wasn't sure whether to slope off without making a sound and leave them to it in the hope that they might finish it. I watched for ages as they laughed and shouted "YES" when a piece fitted in, I made everyone a cuppa and we all stood round working together.........................To be totally honest after 2 hours we had only managed 20 bits but it was the harmony and laughter that I was amazed at. The usual arguing of who said what was replaced with chatter about school and how they both fancied Pizza for tea.

It didn't stop there either, each day someone would pop in and have a go too, it became quite a race to see who could reach the end. The Female Teen was fabulous at it and I watched in amazement at her ability to find a piece I had been looking for all day, her friends came round and had a go too and I started to wish we would never finish it so that this moment could last forever.

Then, yesterday it all came to an end...........................I looked at the table and realised there were only 20 bits left, I was alone and this was not the way I wanted it to end.............................I wanted everyone to be together and cheer at our joint achievement.....................Yeah Right...................................As If........................................I  totally wanted to be the one that completed it.................And I did.

The last piece slotted in with ease and I lifted my hands up like I had won the World Cup.......................I hadn't of course, just the satisfaction that it was done. 

It"s still sitting on the dining room table today and I can't quite bring myself to take it apart, I know I must....................It can't sit there forever.......................We have been eating on our laps for a bloody week...........................Mr DG can't work from home as theres no room.....................But, and more importantly the other reason it has to go is actually quite simple.

I need the table for the next one I've just ordered.

Lots of Love

The 40 Year Old Domestic Goddess Experienced Puzzler Extraordinaire.
xxx

Thursday, 8 January 2015

The Tea Dance

If you read my last post you will know that we had some sad news over the Christmas period and Mr DG's beloved Nan passed away. During the clearing of her flat he stumbled across this beautiful poem written on a piece of paper and hidden away.

We can only assume that it was a very special and much loved poem that she liked so much she kept it safe and sound for many years. She and I had a very similar sense of humour so you can see why I loved the fact it fell into my hands.

It is her funeral this Friday and I thought it would be nice to share it with you all and hope that she is looking down and smiling.

There is no named author on it so if anyone knows please let me know and I can credit them too.

The Tea Dance

It's the Sunday tea dance and they'll be here today
Aches and pains forgotten, dance the afternoon away
Foxtrots, quicksteps, waltzes, some slow but some still nifty
With memories of how it was back in 1950
Norman's in the toilet and he's struggling to pee
He's got trouble with his prostrate and he'll likely miss his tea.

Eddy's got a new love that he met in Thornton Heath
She does a lovely tango, but she hasn't any teeth
His latest fancy footwork nearly broke his partners neck
Thought he was Fred Astaire, or something I suspect!

Ida's had her hair done and she's ready for the saunter
She had a vindaloo last night and it's coming back to haunt her
Florry's mini skirt's revealing when she's spinning in the jive
She really shouldn't wear a thong approaching 85.

They've had their tea and cake and chat and had a little laugh
And gamely rise with creaking knees to face the second half
Norman's made it back in time for a rumba number one
His cucaracha's very neat but he's left his flies undone!
Vera's fallen over in a massive crimplene heap
Bert's got indigestion and Mabel's fast asleep.

Its waltz time and up they get for Humperdink's old tune
And then; Goodbye, good luck, take care God willing see you soon.

Author Unknown



Monday, 5 January 2015

I'm Back.............

Morning all and a very happy new year to everyone who reads my ramblings and rants. I feel like I should say sorry for not blogging for so long but there have been strange goings on here.

It has been exactly 48 days since I blogged last and my last post talked a lot about going back to work and my fears concerning returning to the work place after 18 years. I haven't changed my mind and am hoping to stumble across my calling any time soon. The past couple of months have been....................Well.............How can I put it.................Shit to be honest.

After having a tooth out back in November I developed the most horrendous jaw pain which was 24hours of constant give me more drugs mind numbing excruciating pain...................I won't bore you with all the details but you get the drift. The final conclusion after seeing the specialist and the words "Tumour" and "Cyst" being launched at me was that it was just taking my jaw a long time to heal and the possibility that I have started grinding my teeth at nighttime...........................A night time mouth guard has been suggested which along with the Tena Ladies, thick socks for bad circulation and a dodgy back will make me feel and look totally sexy.........How will Mr DG keep his hands off me.....................This is the question I find myself wondering.

As Christmas approached I started to feel a little bit better and the tray of pain killers, Antibiotics and various other paraphernalia was put to one side in place of Wine..............This seemed to not only numb the pain but worryingly made me feel better.

Just as I thought things were on the up we very sadly lost Mr DG's much loved Nan. To say we were sad was an understatement and Christmas really seemed to be pointless, the kids were not coping at all with it and we decided to pull ourselves together and really make an effort to enjoy the time we had together. After all there is no way she would want us to be sad at her most favourite time of the year and although we missed her and our hearts ached we remembered her in our own way on Christmas morning.

As we woke up on New Years Day we smiled at the thought of a spanking brand new year stretching out in front of us. This is the year The Female Teen aka HRH goes off to University and that is the most exciting thing ever for her. The Male Teen aka Sparky is about to choose his options and the realisation of hard work is poking its head around the corner almost goading him.

Mr DG and I have become Dry Athletes for the month of January and so far so good although I almost caved last night when I found out how much flowers are for a funeral............................

I am so excited for my blog this year and am in the process of designing a spin off series called I'm In A Uni Daze which will be useless to most of you but to others who have Teens about to start the daunting path of University decisions I am hoping it may come in handy if not just to make you laugh as I fumble my way through it pretending to know what the hell is going on.

So, there we go............................My back to blogging first post. I am sorry if it has been a bit depressive and can assure that normal service will return very soon.

Hoping you are all well and haven't forgotten me.

Lots of Love
Me
xxxxxxx

Tuesday, 18 November 2014

Its Time..........






As I waved the Teens off this morning something suddenly struck me.............................Not literally like a brick or something......................Metaphorically hit me.

I need to start thinking about going back to work........................................................Hang on..............................................................I'm just composing myself and checking that I did just say that out loud.

I have been a stay at home Mum since 1997 and that folks is a whopping 17 years...............................Mr DG and I decided that it was the right thing to do and that is what I have been doing ever since. I have loved every minute and will always be grateful that I had the opportunity to do it BUT.......................................................And its a big BUT..................................I want more......................................It's time to feel that I am doing something for me.

The female Teen is off to Uni next year and that in itself is going to be challenging (for me not her) and the boy Teen is so self sufficient that I sometimes forget that he's even here until he asks for food or money.

I think there have been warning signs that I spend too much time at home..........................

1. I actually found myself hitting the schedule button for Jeremy Kyle
2. I cleaned my kitchen floor not once but twice by mistake
3. I know exactly what time it is purely by what's on the TV
4. People ring me then sound shocked when they have to leave a message because I am out
5. I find myself talking to the dog.

Its not that I want to go back to work full time but I need to start putting things in place, maybe a little part time job.......................................................But............................Doing what exactly ???

This is my dilemma, I love the craft business I run with a friend but it really is seasonal. I love blogging and reviewing things but its a very solitary activity.........................................................

I think the biggest part of it is that actually I am terrified of venturing back out there into the work place. It all comes down to confidence doesn't it and that my friends is my biggest problem......................................

I would love to hear from anyone who has gone back to work after a long spell at home, any tips would be gratefully appreciated.

Wish me luck
Lots of Love
Me
xxxx

Monday, 27 October 2014

A Dolce Gusto Review

Its no secret that I am a huge coffee fan..........................Its fair to say that I love it possibly more than chocolate.....................I was therefore beyond excited when the lovely people at Dolce Gusto asked me if I would like to review not one but three Espresso coffee pods.


I received a fabulous gift box filled with coffee pods, a cupcake and the most gorgeous little Espresso cups and saucers which are just the cutest things ever.



I must confess that I didn't try all three on the same day as I was slightly worried I might not be able to sleep.

I had tried the Lungo and the Espresso Intenso before and loved them both but I had never tried the brand new Ristretto Ardenza before. I was not disappointed at all, the flavour was delicious and as an after dinner coffee it was just perfect.



The Ristretto Ardenza is the new flavour and is now available to purchase from the Webshop as an online-exclusive new variety.

As an added little extra they are also giving away boxes of Ristretto Ardenza for fans on their Dolce Gusto Facebook page to try on The Pod (here: www.thepod.co.uk) until the 27th of October. 30 people will win a free box to be among the first to try the new variety.

You don't have long so hop on over there and have a peep.

I'm off to grab another cup of coffee.

Lots of Love
Me
xxxxx



Disclaimer - I was sent the Dolce Gusto Espresso Hamper free of charge for the purpose of this review but all opinions are completely my own.


Tuesday, 21 October 2014

Changes.

Changes are coming I can feel them like a small niggle in the back of my head, not always there but definitely present somewhere in the depths of my brain........................................................Her provisional driving license arrived today along with a letter from one of her chosen Universities, I looked at them for a long time before stuffing them in a drawer then taking them back out again only to once again throw them in the drawer and shut it tightly.

I want to do this to time..........................I want to grab time by the hair and stick it in a drawer until another day.

How can we be doing this, how can we actually be contemplating buying her a car and deciding where she is going to go to Uni..............................................................................................She is too young.................................No, she's not................................Yes she is...............................................

"Get a grip" is a statement I regularly tell myself, "pull yourself together you complete nelly" is another thing I will say whilst looking in the mirror.

I am either going to fall to pieces or embrace the whole situation fully, I will cry I know this much.........................I am an ugly crier and have often caught myself looking like I have a bad case of constipation whilst tears stream down my face. Friends have informed me that it is by far one of the worst days of your life when you have to leave a child at Uni. I have visions of never leaving and just moving to wherever she is just so I can see her every day..................................................The male teen is all for it and has secretly admitted to me that he cant even think about her going away. Who would of thought that he would of even noticed her absence. He doesn't want her room (as its bigger) even though she has offered it to him in exchange for his little room being done up for when she is home. He wants it left for her just as it is.............................................................................................

God, I am being a right moaner aren't I, sorry.............................Actually, I'm not sorry.

I'm bloody sad...................Cross..............Proud...............Excited...................Confused.........A mixture of emotions.

OK!!!! You get the picture, I am not going to bang on anymore......................................I will get through this that much I know, she is going to have the most fantastic time and as long as she is happy and safe then I am too.

I must warn you that I will be blogging from time to time about this whole process in great lengths which some of you might find helpful either for now or even in the future................................I am determined to take a comical approach to all this as its my way of dealing with it I think (not that you would know it from this post) and hope that I can gain advice and tips from anyone else who has already been through it.

This post was sponsored by Gin and tissues............xxxx