Thursday, 22 January 2015

10 Things You Never Say To A Teenager

"Aren't you going to put a coat on ?" I asked on a particularly freezing -2ยบ kind of morning. This question was answered with a grunt and then a huff as if to say"Yeah right, I have a jumper and blazer on. Why the hell do I need a coat...........I am a Teenage Boy and I DO NOT do coats".


What is it with them ?..................I often find myself asking this question. What happens between the age of 11 and 16 is something that will forever baffle me.......I know I know its hormones blah blah blah. But what about what really happens......................Like what really goes in their minds. I walk around on egg shells some days not wanting to say the wrong thing or fuel a massive strop, I don't remember being like this (or though my Mother will probably say different). With this in mind I have learnt the careful art (and it is an art) of not what to say and when not to say it.


1. Hurry Up - This will be met with rather interesting response that may involve a swear word or two, you cannot I repeat cannot hurry a Teenager up. They are on their own schedule and will not change it for anyone............Especially you!

2. Why don't you do that extra piece of homework if your bored ? - Expect school books to be shoved back in bag and a rant of "I'm so tired.......I'm not doing anymore than is necessary. If they wanted me to do it they shouldn't of said OPTIONAL" This may be followed by a sudden urge to disappear upstairs and pretend they have "other" stuff that is far more important.

3. So, what do you want to be when you finish school - This question is usually asked by older relatives that haven't seen them morph into a Teenager and is answered with a shrug or a simple "Dunno". To be honest at 13 I don't think I knew what I wanted to be,  I vaguely remember wanting to be a Dolphin Trainer or a Nun at some stage.

4. I absolutely forbid you to do that - This will be met with the most hysterical laughter and rolling around on the floor by The Teenager. Saying that I did use the sentence "You will not find anyone higher than me at this moment, not even GOD" which did seem to evoke a stunned reaction before the laughter began.

5. Whats wrong - The most pointless question ever if asked to a Teenager, they have no clue whats wrong so why the heck should they be able to tell you the answer. I find a more subtle approach is needed like "I'm downstairs if you need a hug" I would imagine from the boys point of view this is their worst nightmare but on the rare occasion it has worked.

6. Can you tidy your room please - Again, pointless.

7. Is that what you're wearing ? - The minute this comes out of my mouth I instantly regret it, why oh why did I say it. Not many words are exchanged but its the look that is shot at you from a 17 year old female of the species. If looks could kill.........I wouldn't be typing this.

8. Shall we do a selfie together - Good luck with this one.......

9. When I was your age - They don't care about when you were young, in fact I don't even think they recognise you were young once. To them you were born into an era of no social networking, no phones and Crackerjack..................Actually I can see their point.

10. We'll See - Teenagers are much like toddlers and cannot deal with the uncertainty of an unanswered question. A full description is needed along with photographic and legal evidence to back up any plans that they need confirming.

They are just a few questions that I try not to ask but I could go on and on and on.......................To be honest both of mine aren't really that bad and I love them to death even with all the strops and mood swings. I guess one day they will have kids of their own and will be happy to accept any advice I might have............................................Although, I might reply with one
word............................."DUNNO".

Lots of Love
Me
xxxxxxxx

Wednesday, 21 January 2015

Puzzled......

I am officially a Puzzler...............Not in a "wondering what the hell is going on" kind of way but a master of placing little cardboard pieces in amongst a jumble of colours and sizes kind of way.

Confused ?????? ...................................Let me explain.

We received a jigsaw over the Xmas period to which I am ashamed to say I laughed at and thought "how old do you think I am?" and "You obviously think I have too much time on my hands". It was only when I was incredibly bored one afternoon that I thought I might give it a go......................How hard can it be for Gods sake....................................I'll have it done in an hour..............................Whilst doing the housework..............WRONG WRONG and WRONG again.

I remember watching my Nan separate the little pieces out into different boxes so that she had all the bits with white on in one and red pieces in another. The jigsaw would sit there unfinished for days and I was always allowed to put the last piece in which resulted in a huge cheer from my Grandparents as if I had done the whole thing myself.

Anyway, there I am with 1000 pieces of little bits of cardboard laid out in front of me..........DO THE EDGES FIRST I hear my Nans voice in my head....................................So, I did. I must just point out that it was at this point I realised I needed glasses.

After an hour I was ready to chuck it through the patio doors and forget I ever had it but then something happened...............Something I didn't expect............................The Teenagers appeared and did something very strange, something quite out of the ordinary for two humans that usually come in and launch their bags anywhere they see a space on the floor then disappear upstairs grunting about their "RUBBISH" day. 

They stopped, stared at the puzzle and began to pick pieces up looking for a home for them. I in turn wasn't sure whether to slope off without making a sound and leave them to it in the hope that they might finish it. I watched for ages as they laughed and shouted "YES" when a piece fitted in, I made everyone a cuppa and we all stood round working together.........................To be totally honest after 2 hours we had only managed 20 bits but it was the harmony and laughter that I was amazed at. The usual arguing of who said what was replaced with chatter about school and how they both fancied Pizza for tea.

It didn't stop there either, each day someone would pop in and have a go too, it became quite a race to see who could reach the end. The Female Teen was fabulous at it and I watched in amazement at her ability to find a piece I had been looking for all day, her friends came round and had a go too and I started to wish we would never finish it so that this moment could last forever.

Then, yesterday it all came to an end...........................I looked at the table and realised there were only 20 bits left, I was alone and this was not the way I wanted it to end.............................I wanted everyone to be together and cheer at our joint achievement.....................Yeah Right...................................As If........................................I  totally wanted to be the one that completed it.................And I did.

The last piece slotted in with ease and I lifted my hands up like I had won the World Cup.......................I hadn't of course, just the satisfaction that it was done. 

It"s still sitting on the dining room table today and I can't quite bring myself to take it apart, I know I must....................It can't sit there forever.......................We have been eating on our laps for a bloody week...........................Mr DG can't work from home as theres no room.....................But, and more importantly the other reason it has to go is actually quite simple.

I need the table for the next one I've just ordered.

Lots of Love

The 40 Year Old Domestic Goddess Experienced Puzzler Extraordinaire.
xxx

Thursday, 8 January 2015

The Tea Dance

If you read my last post you will know that we had some sad news over the Christmas period and Mr DG's beloved Nan passed away. During the clearing of her flat he stumbled across this beautiful poem written on a piece of paper and hidden away.

We can only assume that it was a very special and much loved poem that she liked so much she kept it safe and sound for many years. She and I had a very similar sense of humour so you can see why I loved the fact it fell into my hands.

It is her funeral this Friday and I thought it would be nice to share it with you all and hope that she is looking down and smiling.

There is no named author on it so if anyone knows please let me know and I can credit them too.

The Tea Dance

It's the Sunday tea dance and they'll be here today
Aches and pains forgotten, dance the afternoon away
Foxtrots, quicksteps, waltzes, some slow but some still nifty
With memories of how it was back in 1950
Norman's in the toilet and he's struggling to pee
He's got trouble with his prostrate and he'll likely miss his tea.

Eddy's got a new love that he met in Thornton Heath
She does a lovely tango, but she hasn't any teeth
His latest fancy footwork nearly broke his partners neck
Thought he was Fred Astaire, or something I suspect!

Ida's had her hair done and she's ready for the saunter
She had a vindaloo last night and it's coming back to haunt her
Florry's mini skirt's revealing when she's spinning in the jive
She really shouldn't wear a thong approaching 85.

They've had their tea and cake and chat and had a little laugh
And gamely rise with creaking knees to face the second half
Norman's made it back in time for a rumba number one
His cucaracha's very neat but he's left his flies undone!
Vera's fallen over in a massive crimplene heap
Bert's got indigestion and Mabel's fast asleep.

Its waltz time and up they get for Humperdink's old tune
And then; Goodbye, good luck, take care God willing see you soon.

Author Unknown



Monday, 5 January 2015

I'm Back.............

Morning all and a very happy new year to everyone who reads my ramblings and rants. I feel like I should say sorry for not blogging for so long but there have been strange goings on here.

It has been exactly 48 days since I blogged last and my last post talked a lot about going back to work and my fears concerning returning to the work place after 18 years. I haven't changed my mind and am hoping to stumble across my calling any time soon. The past couple of months have been....................Well.............How can I put it.................Shit to be honest.

After having a tooth out back in November I developed the most horrendous jaw pain which was 24hours of constant give me more drugs mind numbing excruciating pain...................I won't bore you with all the details but you get the drift. The final conclusion after seeing the specialist and the words "Tumour" and "Cyst" being launched at me was that it was just taking my jaw a long time to heal and the possibility that I have started grinding my teeth at nighttime...........................A night time mouth guard has been suggested which along with the Tena Ladies, thick socks for bad circulation and a dodgy back will make me feel and look totally sexy.........How will Mr DG keep his hands off me.....................This is the question I find myself wondering.

As Christmas approached I started to feel a little bit better and the tray of pain killers, Antibiotics and various other paraphernalia was put to one side in place of Wine..............This seemed to not only numb the pain but worryingly made me feel better.

Just as I thought things were on the up we very sadly lost Mr DG's much loved Nan. To say we were sad was an understatement and Christmas really seemed to be pointless, the kids were not coping at all with it and we decided to pull ourselves together and really make an effort to enjoy the time we had together. After all there is no way she would want us to be sad at her most favourite time of the year and although we missed her and our hearts ached we remembered her in our own way on Christmas morning.

As we woke up on New Years Day we smiled at the thought of a spanking brand new year stretching out in front of us. This is the year The Female Teen aka HRH goes off to University and that is the most exciting thing ever for her. The Male Teen aka Sparky is about to choose his options and the realisation of hard work is poking its head around the corner almost goading him.

Mr DG and I have become Dry Athletes for the month of January and so far so good although I almost caved last night when I found out how much flowers are for a funeral............................

I am so excited for my blog this year and am in the process of designing a spin off series called I'm In A Uni Daze which will be useless to most of you but to others who have Teens about to start the daunting path of University decisions I am hoping it may come in handy if not just to make you laugh as I fumble my way through it pretending to know what the hell is going on.

So, there we go............................My back to blogging first post. I am sorry if it has been a bit depressive and can assure that normal service will return very soon.

Hoping you are all well and haven't forgotten me.

Lots of Love
Me
xxxxxxx

Tuesday, 18 November 2014

Its Time..........






As I waved the Teens off this morning something suddenly struck me.............................Not literally like a brick or something......................Metaphorically hit me.

I need to start thinking about going back to work........................................................Hang on..............................................................I'm just composing myself and checking that I did just say that out loud.

I have been a stay at home Mum since 1997 and that folks is a whopping 17 years...............................Mr DG and I decided that it was the right thing to do and that is what I have been doing ever since. I have loved every minute and will always be grateful that I had the opportunity to do it BUT.......................................................And its a big BUT..................................I want more......................................It's time to feel that I am doing something for me.

The female Teen is off to Uni next year and that in itself is going to be challenging (for me not her) and the boy Teen is so self sufficient that I sometimes forget that he's even here until he asks for food or money.

I think there have been warning signs that I spend too much time at home..........................

1. I actually found myself hitting the schedule button for Jeremy Kyle
2. I cleaned my kitchen floor not once but twice by mistake
3. I know exactly what time it is purely by what's on the TV
4. People ring me then sound shocked when they have to leave a message because I am out
5. I find myself talking to the dog.

Its not that I want to go back to work full time but I need to start putting things in place, maybe a little part time job.......................................................But............................Doing what exactly ???

This is my dilemma, I love the craft business I run with a friend but it really is seasonal. I love blogging and reviewing things but its a very solitary activity.........................................................

I think the biggest part of it is that actually I am terrified of venturing back out there into the work place. It all comes down to confidence doesn't it and that my friends is my biggest problem......................................

I would love to hear from anyone who has gone back to work after a long spell at home, any tips would be gratefully appreciated.

Wish me luck
Lots of Love
Me
xxxx

Monday, 27 October 2014

A Dolce Gusto Review

Its no secret that I am a huge coffee fan..........................Its fair to say that I love it possibly more than chocolate.....................I was therefore beyond excited when the lovely people at Dolce Gusto asked me if I would like to review not one but three Espresso coffee pods.


I received a fabulous gift box filled with coffee pods, a cupcake and the most gorgeous little Espresso cups and saucers which are just the cutest things ever.



I must confess that I didn't try all three on the same day as I was slightly worried I might not be able to sleep.

I had tried the Lungo and the Espresso Intenso before and loved them both but I had never tried the brand new Ristretto Ardenza before. I was not disappointed at all, the flavour was delicious and as an after dinner coffee it was just perfect.



The Ristretto Ardenza is the new flavour and is now available to purchase from the Webshop as an online-exclusive new variety.

As an added little extra they are also giving away boxes of Ristretto Ardenza for fans on their Dolce Gusto Facebook page to try on The Pod (here: www.thepod.co.uk) until the 27th of October. 30 people will win a free box to be among the first to try the new variety.

You don't have long so hop on over there and have a peep.

I'm off to grab another cup of coffee.

Lots of Love
Me
xxxxx



Disclaimer - I was sent the Dolce Gusto Espresso Hamper free of charge for the purpose of this review but all opinions are completely my own.


Tuesday, 21 October 2014

Changes.

Changes are coming I can feel them like a small niggle in the back of my head, not always there but definitely present somewhere in the depths of my brain........................................................Her provisional driving license arrived today along with a letter from one of her chosen Universities, I looked at them for a long time before stuffing them in a drawer then taking them back out again only to once again throw them in the drawer and shut it tightly.

I want to do this to time..........................I want to grab time by the hair and stick it in a drawer until another day.

How can we be doing this, how can we actually be contemplating buying her a car and deciding where she is going to go to Uni..............................................................................................She is too young.................................No, she's not................................Yes she is...............................................

"Get a grip" is a statement I regularly tell myself, "pull yourself together you complete nelly" is another thing I will say whilst looking in the mirror.

I am either going to fall to pieces or embrace the whole situation fully, I will cry I know this much.........................I am an ugly crier and have often caught myself looking like I have a bad case of constipation whilst tears stream down my face. Friends have informed me that it is by far one of the worst days of your life when you have to leave a child at Uni. I have visions of never leaving and just moving to wherever she is just so I can see her every day..................................................The male teen is all for it and has secretly admitted to me that he cant even think about her going away. Who would of thought that he would of even noticed her absence. He doesn't want her room (as its bigger) even though she has offered it to him in exchange for his little room being done up for when she is home. He wants it left for her just as it is.............................................................................................

God, I am being a right moaner aren't I, sorry.............................Actually, I'm not sorry.

I'm bloody sad...................Cross..............Proud...............Excited...................Confused.........A mixture of emotions.

OK!!!! You get the picture, I am not going to bang on anymore......................................I will get through this that much I know, she is going to have the most fantastic time and as long as she is happy and safe then I am too.

I must warn you that I will be blogging from time to time about this whole process in great lengths which some of you might find helpful either for now or even in the future................................I am determined to take a comical approach to all this as its my way of dealing with it I think (not that you would know it from this post) and hope that I can gain advice and tips from anyone else who has already been through it.

This post was sponsored by Gin and tissues............xxxx

Wednesday, 8 October 2014

Wet Socks.

 
The rain fell, the wind howled
I made the toast whilst they watched and scowled
"Please oh please wont you take us today?"
"We'll get soaked out there and it is on your way".
 
"Alright" I replied whilst stirring my tea
"YIPPEE" yelled The Teens leaping with glee
"I'm leaving in five so don't muck around,
If your not ready then your gonna get drowned".
 
To the car we all ran, umbrellas up high
The dog sensed my panic and started to cry
She looked at him and I knew there was trouble
I started the car and sped off on the double.
 
"For Gods sake move over, your hogging the seat"
"Oh shut up you Diva and get your bag off my feet"
"Muuuummmmm" she cried "I cant fit it all in"
"Try packing less makeup" he said with a grin.
 
I wanted to turn and scream at them "NO"
But the car was steamed up and we needed to go
"She's got soooo much stuff" he turned and yelled at her
"And now look" he said "She's crushed my Ciabatta".
 
I pulled up outside and sighed with relief
"OH NO" said the boy "I haven't done my teeth"
"There's no time for that, here have some gum.
Now get out the car and bloody well RUN"
 
I arrived back at home feeling quite in a muddle
Stepped out of the car and straight into a puddle
That's it I thought I'm cancelling today
Indoors I will go and there I will stay.
 
THE END
 


Prose for Thought


Saturday, 27 September 2014

CardNest A Beautiful Review

Have you ever felt that twinkle of excitement when its your birthday and the postman walks up the driveway carrying a bundle of pretty coloured envelopes? Have you ever opened a letter and thought "just for once, I wish this was something nice" rather than a bill or a piece of junk mail.

I have...........................Many times.





In fact the best thing for me about birthdays are the cards, there is something quite uplifting receiving a card that someone has taken the time to not only write but then walk to a post box and send it to you. I am a huge fan of sending cards and will grab any opportunity to do so even if its just one that says "I'm thinking of you" sometimes that's all that is needed to make a difference to someone's day.





So, you can imagine my utter excitement when I was contacted by the rather fabulous and totally gorgeous people at CardNest.

Here's what they said......................

"Subscribers to CardNest are topped up each month with three ‘bright and beautiful cards for all sorts of occasions’. The idea is that when a birthday creeps up on you or you have a last minute ‘thank you’ to send, you can dig into your CardNest collection, leaving you fluster-free.

Sending a handwritten card to someone we care about can really make their day. As well as those handy greetings, they also send out cards that aren’t occasion specific to help you keep in touch with the extra special people in your life. Whether you want to just say ‘hello’, tell a loved one you miss them or invite them for the weekend, it’s up to you."


I discovered that not only is it a brand spanking new service its wonderful too.
How do I know this ? Well, I have been a bit of a Guinea Pig for them and already received my first delivery. When the gorgeous parcel dropped through my letter box I was not expecting such a beautifully packaged bundle, I couldn't wait to open it and what I found inside was even more fabulous.






Three stunning cards by different artists with envelopes and as if that wasn't enough they even provided the stamps. They were so lovely I almost didn't want to open them but I did and knew exactly who I was going to send them too.








As many of you know I am a great believer in good honest companies and will only give reviews to those that really impress me. CardNest did just that as well as bringing a smile to my face on a bleary Monday morning.

Are you curious ? I bet you are, go on over to their website at CardNest.com and have a look for yourselves.

I really don't think you will be disappointed and as a special treat CardNest are offering all my lovely readers an exclusive coupon code which will give you lucky people 50% off your first month......................................You see, they really are fab.
 
Just put in this code when subscribing - GODDESS40 (This code will expire on 30/11/2014)

Lots of Love
Me
xxxxxxxx

It’s just £7.50/month in the UK and £10/month for subscribers outside of the UK, including delivery (first class stamps are an optional extra and available in the UK only).

Monday, 22 September 2014

Dogs and Conspiricies

I awoke on our final day in Luxembourg with a slight headache but on the plus side it took my mind off my toe which still looked very broken....................................Mr DG was off today so we had the whole day to ourselves, he had arranged for breakfast in bed which made me cry.............................Oh, did I mention I have PMT too now..................................Marvellous.

I definitely knew I had drunk to much yesterday when I opened the hotel door only to see a group of tiny dogs running up and down the corridor. As I shut the door I remarked that I thought my mind had finally gone only to hear a "woof". Mr DG looked and he too said he could see a dog which was some relief as I did wonder if I had finally lost the plot. It turned out that they were not the only dogs in the hotel and were in fact in town for the World Dog Agility Championships.......................Obviously they weren't staying there in the evening but it seemed the corridors were a perfect place to practice "trotting"..........................What ever next.

Headed off for town which he now promised me would be open and it was...............................It was just beautiful and reminded me of Paris, street performers kept us entertained for hours and we wandered round the shops hand in hand all day....................................I think to be honest he holds my hand so I cant reach for my purse and buy anything.......................................................After a lovely lunch and the most amazing cake I have ever tasted we got the bus back to the hotel and collected our cases ready for the evening flight home.

Luxembourg airport was basic to say the least but impeccably clean like the rest of the country. Once through security we settled down to wait for our flight.................................................................

As a nervous passenger this is the time that I spend quietly contemplating my doom and become quite subdued to say the least..............................Mr DG knows this and deals with it in the best way by ignoring me totally and reading the paper. This works well for both of us and we are well practised in it............................The worst thing that can happen to me before a flight is an equally nervous passenger suddenly striking up a conversation with me...............................Unfortunately that is exactly what happened and I was subjected to 1 hour of conspiracy theories about anything to do with air travel. This bloke was way more nervous than me which gave me some comfort but there was no way I could listen to his voice or his assumptions anymore....................................I made our excuses and we left...............................Not only did we leave but we then hid as we could see him looking for us. I am amazed that we didn't get arrested for looking suspicious but luckily we didn't and made it onto the plane with Mr Conspiracy nowhere to be seen.

The flight home was great and my self help App worked wonders yet again, I even managed to have a Gin and Tonic which probably helped quite a bit to be fair.

It had been a wonderful trip and I would love to go back again some day, I missed the kids terribly but they were amazing and I think they actually looked after Grandma instead of her looking after them. To say I am proud of them is an understatement.

I am sure you are all wondering about the "toe"............................Well....................................Sods law.............................As soon as we got back, it stopped hurting and is now looking more like my own toe rather than a joke one. The broom is now firmly back in its proper place and Mr DG has finally admitted that it probably was his fault...................................................................................

Thanks for reading
Lots of Love
Me
xxxx