Wednesday, 4 April 2012

Don't Follow Me I'm Lost Too !




Not many people know this but I only passed my driving test 7 years ago when I was 33. I had taken lessons when I was 17 but after reversing into a wall and nearly squashing a passing pedestrian on lesson number 5 I decided to give it up as a bad job.

The Husband was the one who encouraged me to go for it. He purchased me a little silver Vauxhall Corsa which I lovingly named Barbara and who I not only took my lessons in but managed to pass second time round as well.
Too say I'm a good driver would be an out and out lie, here are the 7 reasons why I know this to be so:-

1. I will not drive at night time, due to the fact (I claim) I cannot see the lines on the road (worrying I know).
2. I will not leave my home town to go anywhere unless it is life or death.
3. Generally as a rule I don't really like to turn right. (this is a great source of entertainment to my friends).
4. I will not park in multistory car parks (this isn't really a problem due to point 2)
5. I drive an automatic (this is a clever ruse so that nobody will ask me to drive their car as I'm not legally aloud to do so).
6. When driving in my home town I drive way to quickly and have no patience with anyone.
7. If I was ever stopped by the police I would have to find the biggest double parking space as I do not like reverse parallel parking. (have often envisaged myself on some police chase show being told to pull over and not being able too, resulting in them thinking I was some joyriding menopausal women and getting the stinger thrown in front of me).

So you see my point, if I'm honest I only drive to get me from A to B. I have no idea why driving is such a issue for me, I am the worst back seat driver ever and spend most of the time shouting at The Husband to go quicker then slam my foot through the floor of the car to hit my imaginary break pedal when I think he's going to hit someone up the rear end. This normally ends in The Husband offering to pull over so that I can drive myself which I cant because of points 2,3,4 and 5.

I wonder if my problem stems from early memories of being 18 and my best friend Maureen (her real name was Suzanne but for legal reasons we will call her Maureen) taking me on a particularly memorable journey in her Vauxhall Chevrolet. It all began as an Innocent stalking operation of a boy she liked who we thought was cheating on her , she picked me up from home and we sat outside his house for what seemed like hours (to be honest it was hours). Once we had asatained he was in fact cheating on her she wheel spinned out of that road like The Dukes Of Hazard on a period.
As she poured her little heart out whilst crying all I could think was HANG ON,( in the panic to get away I had got my seat belt trapped in the door and didn't dare open it just in case I fell out). Luckily we came to a roundabout and I seized my chance to release the belt PHEW!!!
It was at this moment I realised I must of had a guardian angel, as she took the roundabout at about 40mph and lost control careering straight through a rather attractive conifer hedge which belonged to our local doctor.........BANG, CRASH,SCREAM and STOP!!!!
We sat for ages not quite knowing what to do, what we should of done is get out and face the consequences but OH NO!!! Not us, she slammed it into reverse and we were outta there. To this day nobody ever knew it was us that left a perfect car shaped hole in the Doctors hedge, her car was undamaged thanks to the conifers and we were to shocked to talk about it. Still silver lining was that she stopped crying and forgot all about the evenings actual purpose or castrating the boy who had cheated on her. And The Doctor turned the hole into an attractive gate way. (Can I also point out it was the one and only time I nearly appeared in the paper under the headline WHO DUNN IT??).

I know that driving is useful, and I wouldn't be without my car (not Barbara anymore unfortunately as she got traded in for a newer racier version called Shirley) but I worry that I will become one of those women drivers who have such a bad reputation.
Take my mother (please please)!!! She is the most unbelievably dreadful driver I've ever seen, watching her drive on a motorway is the most nerve racking experience ever. Its a bit like taking the kids bowling and putting those safety lanes up at each side, well imagine that on a motorway with my Mother happily bouncing from lane to lane but with no safety bumpers. If she sees something of interest to the left then that's where the car goes and visa versa. I cant help but smile to myself as I catch a glimpse of her following behind me (she is behind me because I wont get in the car with her) looking completely relaxed as she sways from left to right singing along to Barry Manilow. Bless her !!!!

So there we go, my excuses reasons why I don't really drive a great deal. Once they invent a car that parks for you, drives for you and loves turning right I may change my mind but until then and if you see me coming I have one bit of advice for you....

26 comments:

  1. I can't believe you are that bad. Mind you if you drive like you wax - ouch! x

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  2. Hmmmm,ok well maybe not that bad. And you are quite right if I drive like i wax then we are all in trouble.xx

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  3. You don't know how close to the truth you are. . . the car that parks its self . .is here and cruise control takes the driving out of well driving. . . turning right? Well if you go left, left and left you'll end up going right lol. Good read chick I think . . . definately a bit of my mother and the mother in law in there. xxx

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  4. Oh bless you! You sound truly dreadful at driving but from what you've said , it seems to be genetic! So it's obviously not your fault ;-) great post chuck! X x x

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    1. I'm going with the generic thing too. Xxxxxxx

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  5. This made me really laugh! I didn't pass my test until I was 25! I too started learning when I was 18 and the ancient instructor told me that some people were designed for driving and others for walking and that I was the latter! A bit off putting to say the least! As for reversing, well it is horrendous especially if there is another driver in the car. I drive anywhere and everywhere now and would be lost without my car but I understand why you don't . Great post x

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    1. Awwwwwww Thankyou. Nice to find a fellow hater of reversing. Thanks for reading xxxxxxx

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  6. Next time I'm pruning the hedge I'll give you a call.

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    1. Please do please do. It's much quicker than those pruning sheers xx

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  7. Omg!! I am still crying with laughter I forgot that ever happened!! Keep them coming Sam I love it love it love it and Love you hun xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

    Im so glad I it was a hedge and a wall I crashed into! lol xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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    1. Wahoo, here she is the woman in question. Glad you liked it, so many funny memories. Your poor car did go through it didn't it. Let's just hope the doctor isn't a blogging fan.
      Thanks sweetie for letting me use the story in my blog.

      Lots of love to you all the way in Spain xxxxxxx

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  8. Omg!! I am still crying with laughter I forgot that ever happened!! Keep them coming Sam I love it love it love it and Love you hun xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

    Im so glad it was a hedge and not a wall I crashed into! And why Maureen really! lol could have chosen a cooler name like Sophie xxxxxxxx

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    1. Just always thought you looked like a Maureen !!! Xx

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  9. Suzanne Davison4 April 2012 at 14:11

    The above comment was me! I dont know how to bloody post a comment lol!

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    1. You've done it hunny, welcome to the blogging world xxx

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  10. Haha this isn't by anonymous its me...the Bondy but I cant work out how else to publish this hahaha.......
    Oh my God Sammy, that has to be your funniest one yet probably because I have survived short car journeys with you and witnessed your mum on the motorway too! I laughed outloud to the point of crying at the honesty of points 1-7 as only your real friends will actually appreciate how true they all are xxxxxxx

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    1. Ahhhh Bondy , well done on commenting on the blog. Only a few chosen people have witnessed my fast driving where you hang on to the sides of the car.
      Thanks for reading gorgeous

      Lots of love
      Xxxxx

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  11. This post made me laugh out loud. I love that you included a picture of Barry Manilow! Comparing your mum's driving to when kids have the barriers up at bowling is scary but very funny.

    Great Blog
    Aimee x

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    1. Thankyou Aimee, I am partial to a bit of Barry. Not surprising really when I think of how much Mum used to play it. xxx

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  12. lol love it. This is hilarious. xx

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  13. im in the same situation....i started learning to drive when i was 17, then moved and started my lessons again.....failed my test 6 times!!! (i can actually drive but completley loose the plot when it comes to the actual test)and then quit cos I couldn't take the humiliation anymore.....started again when i moved to Cyprus (cos quite frankly, no one can drive over there and i thought i stood a better chance).....unfortunatley i moved back to the UK before doing my test so at the age of 31 im still a non driver with 5 kids!! not fun!! ......im determined im going to pass this year though :D

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    1. Awww bless you. We are off to Cyprus for hols this year so maybe I can have a go over there and nobody will notice my terrible driving.
      Thankyou for reading xxx

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  14. I think I just peed a little. With laughter of course! Brilliant! x

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