Friday, 30 May 2014

This ain't gonna be pretty !!!!!

There are various times in my life when I think it would be better if I just stayed indoors..........................This weekend marks the start of a task I am dreading.............................It's something I have put off for weeks and quite frankly if I could go to sleep and not wake up until October I would be pleased......................................................This weekend I am going......................................DA DA DA..................................Swimsuit shopping.

I have several thingy-a-me-bobs coming up that require me to wear this piece of clothing (if you can call it that). The process will play out like this.................


1. Grab anything regardless of shape, colour, high leg, low leg, plunge, push up, secret tummy control or claims of total body transformation as quick as you can to avoid detection.

2. Wait patiently whilst assistant looks you up and down in a "oh dear, this ain't gonna be pretty" kind of way. Once a cubicle has become available shut yourself in remembering to pull cheap curtains all the way across so bum doesn't stick out whilst attempting to squeeze yourself into costume.

3. Ignore multitude of mirrors that could of been supplied from a circus Crazy Hall of Mirror factory.

4. Take of clothes revealing cellulite you didn't even know you had and various areas of fat that have appeared in the last 60 seconds.

5. Wrestle to get swimsuit off from expertly fitted hanger trying carefully not to snap label off.

6. Pour yourself into contraption making sure not to get sticky label on crutch of suit stuck anywhere painful.

7. Adjust boobs into under wired cups making a particular effort to make sure they are all in and no "Nip Slips" have occurred.

8. Take deep breath, slowly open eyes to a slight squint and cautiously glance quickly at ones reflection.................................................

9. DO NOT...................I repeat DO NOT look at back view......................Or to be honest side and front view either.

10. Repeat above process until you are either crying or relatively pleased with at least one of your choices.

The final phase is to give the other 26 items back to the waiting sales assistant..............................Sorry, that was a bit of a lie.......................We all know that 5 is the maximum amount allowed in changing area...........................................If I was 10 sizes smaller and braver I would love to see the look on their faces if I swanned out of the changing room in a bikini to go and look for another one in a smaller size.


Once ordeal is over and you have made it to the checkout the final humiliation is almost upon you....................................................Chosen costume is placed on counter and beautiful young assistant does her job by checking you know exactly what size you have picked and reminds you that once the sticky pube removal strip has been taken out you cant return it............................................If only they didn't have to shout it out for you to understand..................................................

Wish me luck....................I'm going to need it.

Lots of Love
Me
xxxxx

36 comments:

  1. LOL love this! It really is an ordeal isn't it. Once I find one that looks OK I wear it to death rather than having to go through all of this. Good luck!!

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    1. Yes , me too........In fact the one I have is so old I think its come back into fashion now xx

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  2. I hate trying clothes on in changing rooms but I love fashion. Let me know if you find a nice swimming costume :)

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    1. I'm afraid the shopping trip was a complete disaster........Found absolutely nothing and came home with the hump xxxx

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  3. LOL this has made me laugh and its all so true lol!! I HATE swimsuit shopping and avoid it at all costs! Anything that claims to be slimming usually gets chucked into my basket only to discover these claims were lies and i still look terrible in said swimsuit lol! At 38 weeks pregnant im not even going to wander into the swimsuit section and depress myself at the moment lol!

    Jess
    http://owlcrazymummy.blogspot.co.uk

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    1. I bet you look gorgeous Jessica.....I have to say that after my shopping trip I might go down the maternity route xx

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  4. Love this post, swimsuit shopping is definitely an ordeal. I usually make a beeline for the plainest black tummy sucking in costume and get out asap!

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    1. I agree with you but yesterday even that wasn't an option.....Nothing I liked at all....Sad face xx

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  5. I picked up a few in TK Maxx today and then whilst waltzing over to the changing room decided better of it! I hate changing rooms in shops, always hideous lighting and mirrors! I can highly recommend the M&S tummy control ones though..not that i'm sure you need it but I have my eye on a nice spotty number which looks rather lovely :)

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    1. They didn't have any tummy control ones..........I think I might just get the changing room curtains instead........xxxxx

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  6. This is all so true, swimwear and underwear shopping is not a joy. Good luck, and I hope you find one you like.

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    1. I afraid its bad news.......Nothing at all.......I'm going naked instead xxx

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  7. Swimsuit shopping is an unmitigated NIGHTMARE! Rather you than me ;)

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  8. Lol! I'm sure you look fine. I had to buy a swim suit recently, which was NOT fine. So I ordered it and tried it on in my own room with the curtains shut and covers over the mirror! :) x

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  9. Aargh good luck! You're a braver woman than I. I've been wearing the same swimsuit for years, because I can't face the thought of shopping for a new one....

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    1. My old costume was gorgeous but the bloody wire is poking out so its agony to wear xx

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  10. I haven't bought a swim suit in years, good luck!

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    1. I don't think im going to bother after yesterday xx

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  11. LOL! I think I've stopped trying things on… I just wait until I get home and try them on in my 'slim' mirror. If they still look shit then I'm f@*ked. LMAO x

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    1. Ooooohhhh.................Where do I get me a slim mirror xxx

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  12. Last time I went shopping for a swim suit I burst into tears looking at the bikinis I would have worn pre twins. It was awful but I did get one, haven't worn it much but I have got one so I don't need to go shopping again soon! Hope you find something fab x

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    1. It was awful Kirsty........Im not bothering with high street any more. Im online as we speak at Bravissimo xxx

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  13. Haha! Swimsuits are like a Chinese finger trap. Add 4 screaming and/or whinging bored children and panic and sure as anything you'll be trapped, limbs bent at impossible angles, flesh squished into odd shapes, watching the small hand of a 3 year old inch towards the dressing room curtain.

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    1. Oh My God.............I think that might of finished me off xxx

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  14. So, did you find one?! I just knew that you were going to mention that sticky strip! How many times have you got that stuck somewhere where it shouldn't be?! It doesn't matter what size you are, this is such a painful experience....mail order all the way for swimwear my dear! x x

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    1. I did not Suzanne, i'm online as we speak with good old Bravissimo. xxxx

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  15. Swimming costume buying is one of my most hated tasks too... I am sure those changing room mirrors are deliberately made to make everyone look awful (that's my line anyway!!) Now I take about 50 trips to the shops to buy one, try it at home, hate it, take it back, swap it....and on it goes!! Good luck!

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    1. I think your right.......I have no idea why they don't put mirrors that make you look thinner....Surely it would make you buy more xx

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  16. I have been putting on the pounds lately and i dread going shopping now, especially when diffrent shops make themin different sizes althought they same sizes on the tags they al fit differetnly , nightmare to try in store x

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    1. My advice is................DONT DO IT.............................I'm online now and have found 6 I love. Am going to try them on in my own home when im not stressed out. xxx

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  17. I used to hate hate hate having even my bra size done pre baby. NOW I'd gladly hop into my time machine and shake them at the assistant!! :)

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  18. This is my ultimate nightmare!! I actually never even try them on in shops due to the lights and horribly angled mirrors. I am wearing the same ones as last year this summer and i am not even going to check what they look like first - better to be oblivious i think x

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  19. haha I know this pain...
    Last year I ordered 30 swimsuits online... I had a comfort of my own home to try them out and check myself in my own little mirror... then all "unwanted" pieces went with a return post...
    I highly recommend this way.

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  20. LMAO! This is spot on!!! Another great post! Thanks for the giggles xxx

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